Found At last : The Penis Garden

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Eight years ago tonight, ( 1:05Am October 29th) I lazily pushed out the first of my three sons. I say lazily because it was three half-hearted pushes. Don't hate me for my "birthin' hips"

I was able to get away with not changing a diaper until he was five days old because I am very good at being busy when work needs to be done. Just ask my dad.

In any case, When I opened his smelly little diaper, wipes at the ready, I saw his penis for the first time and broke out into laughter. It was tiny. Smaller than tiny. I'm serious, it was like a little nub, barely there.

That night, our first night home with the baby, I asked my husband if boy babies always have such teeny tiny penis'...peni...dicks. My husband, engrossed in the tiny fingers of his little heir, distractedly explained that when a boy reaches a certain age, their dad takes them to the Penis Garden to pick out a new and improved, larger sized penis.

I laughed. That got his attention. His face paled and his hands trembled and he begged me never to tell anyone that I knew about the existence of the Penis Garden. Apparently, the Penis Garden is very well kept secret among the testosterone sect.

I promised never to tell (oops) but every summer since then, I have meticulously searched every garden I happen across, on the off chance that I will finally find the fabled Penis Garden.

Saturday Morning I finally found it. I was a bit surprised to see that it was made of ice considering penis'..peni...cocks have such violent reactions to cold.

Pee Ess: It is also Not A Granny's Birthday today. Go wish her a good one

Afterthought- Having slept on the issue at hand I have decided that they must flash freeze the phallus to ensure maximum freshness.

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Blogger Robin said...

Well, now it all makes sense!

6:31 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Robin : I'm going to see if I can;t find the smaller ass section of the garden for myself now.

6:49 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Tenacious B said...

it takes a lot of love and care to grow those babies... I hope you have a deeper respect for what we have to go through now to make ya happy

8:07 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Shelli said...

WOW. What the hell are those really? Hail? Spray from your neighbors broken tap?

8:13 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Tenacious B - And I suppose a lot of hand polishing happens too? Maybe some chrome plating?

8:14 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Shelli you got it in two, thats a macro I did of their grass

8:14 AM, October 29, 2007  
Anonymous metalmom said...

I am coming to Canada to frolic naked in the garden....Oh my! I hope I don't fall!

9:19 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Metal Mom Uhm let me state this disclaimer : Objects in pictures may appear larger when zoomed. and stuff

Just sayin

9:23 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger annie said...

Ew! That's creepy!
You didn't see his penis till 5 days later? OMG, when I had my son I made them pull the blanket back to see his fingers and toes and penis. I wanted to make sure everything was there in the proper number.

10:45 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Tug said...

Well, after that I never want to hear a man say 'frigid bitch' again!

NOT that I me anyway. ;-)

10:46 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Tug In high school we had a friend who's bf used a grape Popsicle on her and she ended up in the ER.

Annie I wasn't a typical first time mom. He scared me. He was so small and helpless. I didn't take up his daily care until he was 3 months old. We were living with my in laws and one day she decided that I needed to be the mom so they left to the US for three months. After that I was good to go, but I am pretty lazy, and when she was there and willing to care for him, I was good with that.

10:51 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Lynda said...

So, I assume the ice is to preserve the penis?

10:58 AM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger ajooja said...

Damn it! No one ever told me about the penis garden!!!

12:02 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Sheila said...

You are a flippin' riot!!

2:16 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Kentucky Girl said...

OMFG. That photograph is HIGH-larious!

I guess all the small penis guys got there late after all the big ones were taken. Lazy shits. LMAO

2:26 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Not a Granny said...

Now I understand what happened to my ex husband. The Penis Garden had melted!

3:22 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Diane Mandy said...

That's a great story! Where did that photo come from?

3:41 PM, October 29, 2007  
Anonymous Julia said...

LOL! Great picture, great story :)

Greets Julia

3:45 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...


4:13 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Mel said...

That picture is so friggin funny!!

5:34 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

So the legends are true...

6:43 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger kissmyglass said...

Happy birthday rainbowman love you

Auntie kiss

8:54 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Marilyn said...

Wow... I like that sorta bumpy one. Can they trade up if they decide they don't like the model they have now?

10:35 PM, October 29, 2007  
Blogger Twisted Cinderella said...

LOL this was too funny!!!

10:59 AM, October 30, 2007  
Blogger Twisted Cinderella said...

Prince Charming says that the reason for the secrecy is so that women don't take over the garden making men obsolete.

11:00 AM, October 30, 2007  
Blogger Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

HAHAHA! That's HILARIOUS! But kinda scary in a way....

1:28 PM, November 01, 2007  
Blogger DrowseyMonkey said...

Hey - I live in Canada. Where is this fantastical place? I'd like to do some shopping.

2:01 PM, November 01, 2007  
Anonymous Suzi said...

Is there a limit on the number of times a guy can visit the penis garden? Do they make exchanges? Just asking. No reason.

12:27 AM, November 02, 2007  

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