I don't want to hear bitching

Monday, April 23, 2007

about this post.

My baby turned five today. Five. How? Where was I? What do you mean he isn't my Baby? He damn well is. And Dammit, If I want to mommy blog all fucking day long I will!

Five years ago I drove myself to the doctors office for my scheduled appointment. Blue Boy was one day overdue, and my contractions were eight minutes apart. My doctor told me to turn around and head for the hospital, but I told him I'd rather go to the mall instead.

So I did. FYI people. When you are panting and clutching your belly every four minutes, the people in the line in front will let you pass by. Just sayin'.

So after a few hours at the mall, I didn't stay too long because I still had plans on phoning The Husband at work to get him to take me out for coffee before we went in to whelp the kid.

To make a long story short - because this isn't about Blue Boy's birth, but his birthday - Jittery Joe was NOT at work when I called to beg him to take me to the epidural hospital.

He was at the hospital already - getting stitched up himself. By the time he made it home the only thing on my mind was my glorious, beautiful epidural. It was the one and only time I have ever refused a cup of coffee.

(Also. I did not get my epidural until I was nine centimeters. Yeah. I know. They don't give them after seven. Unless you are me. And very bitchy. And insistent. Oh and you threaten to walk out of the fucking hospital right now and have this goddamn baby in the parking lot if I don't get my goddamn epidural NOW)

(And also? 11.5 hours of labour - total- and three half hearted pushes. No swelling, tearing or any other sort of pain if you discount the massive hemorrhaging that started two hours after his birth)

Where was I going with this again? I don't remember either, except that even when Stuperman was minutes old, I still considered Blue Boy to be my baby.

It might have been the fact that I knew. I KNEW that our pediatrician was wrong about his diagnosis. I knew it with a hundred percent certainty. I knew Blue Boy should have been treated by nine months old. I knew KNEW. That's why I kept taking him in. But I still accepted her pithy words and did nothing.

In a moment of strength I called on a different doctor and Blue boy was in for the first of his surgeries (left orchiopexy and minor plastic surgery on his tongue) within a month. And now, at five years old. I hear him talk and I see his scars (He had a third operation last May - right orchiopexy) and think about how he will never get to be a daddy, and I am overcome with guilt.
And how in the hell do I face him in twenty more years when he tells me he and his wife are "trying"? How do I tell him it's MY fault??

I had every opportunity to fix this in time. Had I just stood up for my son when he was unable to stand up for himself, - my ONLY job as a parent ->keep your baby safe and healthy - and I failed it - he would have been fine. But I didn't and because of that, I hold him a wee bit closer, because..

He's my baby.

And he turned five at 7:30 tonight(04/23)

(And also. I am well aware that this post jumps around more then Fab on a monkey, but I had to write it quick! quick! quick! because BB's story still either pisses me off or makes me sob, so deal, mmk?)

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29 Comments:

Blogger Sheila said...

OMG?!?!?!??!!!!! Am I first?!

9:45 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Sheila said...

super sweet, I am first. Where's my gold star?

K. Now, lemme read your post. ;)

9:46 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Sheila said...

I don't see how you failed. The doctor failed. You said you kept going to the doctor. I can't imagine how it would feel to be in your position, but I can say as an outsider, I'm certain you did everything you could.

(And, because my comment was too mushy and sweet...)

WHERE'S MY GOLD STAR DAMN IT!!!

I WANT IT NOW NOW NOW NOWNOWNOWNOWNONWONWONWONWON!

9:52 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Sheila yes, you are first

Sheila I just sent it to your email address

Sheila and I feel I failed by not taking him to a different doctor much much sooner. We new he had a problem from two months old, he was almost two when I finally went to a different Doctor.

Also, the star is on it's way, I swear!

10:05 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Sheila said...

oooooh, I got a pretty gold star! I got a pretty gold star!

Y'all are jealous!

IN YO FACE!

(uh, I mean, Thanks Blue!)

10:43 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger New York City's Watchdog said...

That's a great story... especially the tip for beating out the mall lines... something I'll have to try out during the Christmas season.

I don't think you should blame yourself... because although you know NOW you should have gone sooner... doesn't mean you knew THEN. Doctor's often don't deserve the blind faith we place in them... but it's blind because in the end, they understand things we never will and we accept it as the way it is.

But hey... I hope he has a good birthday!!!

11:11 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Lynda said...

Huh. My husband had orchiopexy, but they didn't do the surgery until he was 19. And he also had testicular cancer, so you probably saved yourself a world of hurt there. (The cancer was before I knew him.)

In this day and age, there are so many ways you can have children - adoption, donor sperm, even this experimental thing where they put your DNA in a donor sperm. He may not even want kids when he gets older. I could tell you to not feel guilty, but it probably wouldn't change anything. But Blue Boy is alive and healthy, and that is something to be grateful for!

Five is a big age! Happy Birthday!!

11:30 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Lynda said...

Oh, and that was 19 years, not months. And he always called it what that article described, not orchiopexy. How the hell do you say orchiopexy anyway?

11:34 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Sheila heh. in yo face. this amuses me. you may continue

Dawg we celebrated his birthday on saturday. the part that bgs me is not that the doctor was wrong, but that i knew she was wrong and still did not take the boy to a different doc for a 2nd opinion.

Lynda sent you a long email.

Lynda Or-key-oh-peck-see

11:42 PM, April 23, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I jump on monkeys?

4:19 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Shelli said...

It's not your fault. It is the doc who didn't listen to you. You will never hear this from me again because I think that we are a sue happy society, but do you think you could sue? If only to help him with the cost of having children later on. Because he will need finances for that. Oh, wait, you have a different health system in Canada. I don't know how that works, then. Anyway, shouldn't he be compensated someway?

4:51 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Katherine said...

I agree with Sheila, how is this your fault? If you want to blame somebody, I would be blaming - and suing - that ignorant ding dong of a doctor. Don't worry about the future, you just don't know what might happen. Plus, if he does want kids there are options. You're still cool.

6:49 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Shelli I do not know if we can sue. I don;t know that I would if we could. I do know that when the time comes for special treatments or adoption, the husband and I have discussed it and will be paying for it, not him

Katherine I do blame the doctor a bit. But there were signs we should have seen. For example. BB is the only baby we actually planned and I went in to get a script for folic acid, like the TV told me too, before we tried to get pregnant with him. she laughed and told me it was unnessesary, so I found a multivitemin with folic acid. then when we were pregnant she kept saying it was twins but refused to let me have an ultrasound to be sure. (obviously he wasnt a twin)so we should have taken him for a second opinion long before we did

Mr.Fab only on tuesdays.

7:24 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Lynda said...

I got your email and am checking with my expert. :)

7:49 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Finn said...

"my ONLY job as a parent ->keep your baby safe and healthy - and I failed it"

Sweetie, I know how you feel; I've lived with that feeling for eight years. But knock it off. You did the best you could at the time. I agree with Sheila; the doctor failed. Seriously.

And happy birthday to you both! xo

8:13 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger J. said...

You will NOT tell him it's your fault, because it most certainly was not.
But I understand the mom guilt completely. I swear, this motherhood gig is all one big guilt trip/worryfest.
But sooooo worth it.

Happy Birthday to your little guy.

9:06 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

who knows, maybe by the time he's old to be trying to have babies, they'll have come up with some way to fix that problem. they're learning new shit every day!

9:50 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Lynda and I in turn got an email back from you! thanks!

Finn So is eight the magic number when a mom can stop feeling guilty?

J. if you want to ger really technical, undecended testes is a condition caused by the mother not producing a certain amount of a hormone during a specific part of pregnacy...

WebMiz fingers crossed eh?

10:38 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Avitable said...

Fucking mommyblogger.



Heh.

10:49 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

I don't think this was your fault at all! Seems to me that you mentioned it to that doctor many times before finally switching over. It's a hard call to make, going against what the doctor says.
Oh, and I think you're going to have to talk to him about this, and maybe start mentioning adoption, before he gets married.
Too funny that you went to the mall!! LOL!!!

11:56 AM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Tug said...

Hindsight is always 20/20. You did what you could & what you thought right, & we DO trust our doctors. Live & learn, but do not blame yourself. I agree with Webmiztris, & I also read this in the link you had "Placing undescended testicles in the scrotum may help prevent infertility"

Medical technology gets better day by day...

Happy B-Day!!

12:42 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Avitable What was that I said about bitching? Do you want your ass or balls spanked as punishment?

( pee ess: i am using fabs bunny (not bear! I love bear) to spank with )

FlipFlop What! I had shopping to do!

Tug his man jewels are shrivled litte things. they do not resemble a testicle at all. On is completely atrophied, ( did you know he can get prosthetic testicals? wtf??)

1:36 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Avitable said...

The ass, please.

2:02 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Avitable I think just for the speed value, I will bribe Fab to go over and do it for me.

2:26 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Avitable said...

Damn!

4:52 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

You didn't fail.

The DOCTOR FAILED YOU AND YOUR SON.

THE DOCTOR FAILED YOU AND YOUR SON.

Happy Birthday to your baby!

7:06 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Monkee said...

I don't want to dwell on this, but really, you did all anyone could have asked of you. I know your son will not blame you and no one will benefit from you blaming yourself....oh and that woman who calls herself a "doctor" should be eviscerated with a spoon.

Anywho, I have to ask, what did you go to the mall to buy?

7:33 PM, April 24, 2007  
Blogger Catch said...

Blue you just did what we all do...you trusted your Dr. It wasnt your fault.

I can see you at the Mall clutching your tummy and standing in line....you are such a hoot!

8:04 PM, April 24, 2007  
Anonymous Rhea said...

No, sorry, a 5-year-old is not a baby and not even a toddler. It's a CHILD! But who am I to burst your bubble?

12:30 PM, April 26, 2007  

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