How My Husband Broke My Heart

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I love coffee. Have I mentioned that before? Because I do. It's more important to me then chocolate. Or the bathtub. I just - I just love it so much[read that in the welches grape juice girls' voice].

In my opinion, coffee cures all. Having problems with a co-worker? Brew up some fresh Mocha Java, sit down and talk about it. Tired of winter? Pour yourself a steaming cup of vanilla hazelnut coffee. Cup it lovingly. Feel its beautiful warmth seep through your fingers. Bathe your face in the liquid heaven, also known as steam, that rises from it. Had a fight with your husband? Have him set the coffee timer.

My favorite chocolate's are the coffee flavored ones. Dipped in coffee, they melt on your tongue in sugary coffee goodness. Perfect for when you are sad or happy, on the go, or lounging in the bath. I love coffee.

Coffee is Good. Coffee Is Wonderful.

So when my husband came up to me with a closed fist at a store and said "I have a surprise for you." I was really pleased. I love surprises. I love it even more when I get a surprise that I haven't had to hint about.

And I love that he saw it and thought, Ohh I bet she would like that, and just picked it up for me. True Love.

So he opened his fist and a tiny box of mints fell out.
And I thought OMG way cool! Coffee Mints!! And in the morning when I am waiting for the coffee to finish I can have one, and mmm coffee goodness and when I am shopping and need coffee, instant fix! Oh this is great, life is good. We should buy this by the case because its like OMG-coffee-anywhere-anytime, no mess no fuss. YAY COFFEE!

I waited patiently till we left the store and then ripped off the protective plastic coating like a pitt bull to an unsupervised child's face. Then I paused. Because what if they were yucky? I know, the idea of yucky coffee is far fetched, but what if?

I hate yucky things. Like cooked cauliflower. Or Onions.

So I offered JitteryJoe a mint first. I'm all about sharing after all. And I waited, staring at him intently, as we walked though the underground parking lot. "Is it good?" I finally asked him.

Well yea. It's a mint... Why wouldn't it be good?

Well you know.. mint.. and coffee. It might not be...

And then he looked at me, pityingly, like I was a small child who had just caught my privates in a zipper, and broke my poor little heart; It's a coffee mint, as in you eat it to get rid of coffee breath.

Oh.

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28 Comments:

Blogger Tug said...

oh NO he didn't! SHITDAMN. I've seen coffee mints...is that all they are? I'll look. And if they're coffee flavored, I'll buy out the store & ship them to you - I swear I will.

10:06 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Tug ok so I totally read the oh no he didnt as if you were a sterotypical balck woman with one hand on your hip and the other in the air. Was that how you ment it?

11:09 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Catch said...

You and Tug crack me up....I hate coffee! lol...its yuck....but I dont think I have ever smelled "coffee breath". Is JJ trying to tell you something? lol

1:22 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Sheila said...

Yeah, I have to agree with Catch on this one. Hate coffee. Don't know what 'coffee breath' is about. But, I think you should be offended... ;)

3:29 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Bice said...

Ha! Now THAT'S funny! Addicts are clueless. That's what makes them addicts. :)

5:57 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Blogarita said...

They should make beer mints, too.

7:45 AM, March 07, 2007  
Anonymous Monkee said...

That's SO wrong. I mean...it's just WRONG. It's wronger than wrong. It's wrongest.

(Meanwhile, have you ever used a word so much all of a sudden that it stops looking like a word and you're not sure anymore if maybe you just made it up.)

7:45 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Shelli said...

Ouch! I would have assumed the same thing as you did. Was he trying to tell you that he didn't like your coffee breath? Cuz kicking you while you are down like that would just be mean.

7:54 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Catch Nope, he loves coffee as much as I do.

Sheila Coffee breath is when you have been drinking coffee and then you are talking and the person can smell the coffee on your breath. I like it the smell myself. It helps to identify "us"

Bice Im not an adict. But my husband is,he wants a permenent IV put in so he can have a constant coffee drip going.

Blogarita Ewwwwwwww

Momkee not only when typing try saying your own name a bunch of times and then all of asudden you are like ..wait..What?

Shelli nonono he has the same damn coffe breath! He luffs my coffee breath. It turns him on. He really wanted to marry my coffee breath and I just came along for the ride. He has sweet dreams of me and my coffee flavored mouth growing old together...

He.Luffs.Coffeeh.Too

Le Sigh and LOL

8:20 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Finn said...

Aww. Was he trying to tell you you had coffee breath or did he pick it out because it said "coffee" on it?

Guys just don't think sometimes.

9:58 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Dan said...

Great post! And a great ending. I suspected as much when I saw that the mints were bright white! I mean, really, unless you added coffee to your cream, coffee-flavored mints should really be brown.

I guess your husband gave you quite a hint, huh? :)

10:14 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Oh you poor thing. I feel your pain, really I do. I like coffee breath, as strange as that might be. It reminds me of my childhood...my mom always had coffee breath, so I would smell it when she kissed me.

10:20 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Finn did you read any of the comments up top? He picked it because it said coffee and he knows i love coffee more then... well that I love coffee

Dan ahh but I did not know they were white untill I opened them.

FlipFlop tee hee. me too with my mom. But coffee breathish morning kisses from hubs are what I like bestestest

10:40 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Coffee Mom said...

I was going to totally ask you where to get these wonderful coffee flavoured mints...until I read the whole post, the nerve...

10:50 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Coffee Mom I KNOW!! do you think I can sue for false advertisement?

11:03 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Violet said...

I have to admit that I am not a fan of coffee. As a matter of fact, there are times when I'll get hot or iced tea and I can taste the faint taste of coffee that has been previously brewed in the pot... It is so gross to me, that I end up having to get something else to drink.

But, in terms of the mints, it is thought that counts, right?

11:49 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Damn, so he basically told you that you had coffee breathe. That is grounds for legalized murder.

I have not had coffee for two weeks, I have no heart burn but I cannot stay awake!

12:55 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Violet I dont understand people who dont drink coffee, I just dont.

and yes it was the thougth that counted, becuase he knows i love me some coffee and that the mints would make me happy :o)

Ole Blue no he didnt. sheesh people! he was being a sweetie and bought them spur of the moment because he knew i would love the tin.

oye vey

LMAO

1:00 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

We got the snake in the mail today!!! Woo Hoo!!!!! It's in the water already!

8:00 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Nobody™ said...

I have never encountered a substance more disgusting than coffee. HATE.IT. Even the smell makes me physically ill.

The guy I work with has coffee with him at all times. It's a pain if we have to travel, that bastard has to pee at every gas station.

Just thinking about coffee is making my stomach churn...

8:37 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Did you know coffee makes you short? That's why at 5'0 I refuse to even try it.

9:05 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Sponge_Bobs_Pants said...

Jittery Joe, i think that was a sweet thing to do .... you thought of blue the moment you seen the cofee mints...

10:12 AM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

FlipFlop OMG!!! Snakes! On a motherfuckin blawg!!

Nobody uhm... no comment. I refuse to argue my beliefs with the likes of you...*^&^$^%#%^!!@ non coffee drinkers!@(#&*Q# Hmmpfhh

fantastagirl im five foot two. i drink coffee. Hubby is six foot two, he drinks more thean i do

Spongebob finally! the interweb sees the light. JJ=good, BPR=bad! And thus the heavens rejoiced

10:40 AM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

well, coffee breath can be nasty. is your husband trying to tell you something or what? ;)

1:27 PM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

WebMiz Oh le sigh. might I direct you to the comments above?

1:37 PM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Testing....testing....

7:44 PM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger Katherine said...

Yeah, that would have been a downer for me, too. No chocolate and NO coffee. forget it

7:15 AM, March 09, 2007  
Blogger mist1 said...

Oh, that's so disappointing. It's like the time I bought a tub of Crisco because I thought there was a cherry pie inside.

7:00 PM, March 10, 2007  

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