Can't. Stop. Laughing

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Best Of Craigslist:

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up.

2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgments on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familiar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.

Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller

Pee ess: My mouth hurts. A lot. But thanks to the Wisdomosities of Fantastagirl it is no longer bleeding like a son of a bitch!

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Blogger Sheila said...

Is the fridge still for sale? Cuz I was thinking he'd might be willing to ship it to me... ;)

11:03 PM, August 22, 2007  
Blogger Not a Granny said...

I could use one also here in Florida also. Ummm is that chocolate on the top? Would you knock $5 for that? Why does it smell like coffee?? Can you knock another $5 off?

Hope you are feeling better..

4:15 AM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Why do you need a fridge in Canada? Just set the stuff out in the snow.

4:22 AM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Shelli said...

Dear God! Why are some people so fucking stupid?

6:39 AM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger J. said...

That's hilarious. I could almost picture her standing in his driveway.

7:00 AM, August 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO, that was jsut what I needed to get my day going in the right direction

Hope you're feeling better today and hoep the thousands of kids you have aren't driving you absolutely batty.

10:44 AM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Lynda said...

I wish I could write letters like that. Have you seen the maxi pad letter?

11:57 AM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Webmiztris said...

"and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear."

lmfao! it's like my mom, who thinks if you unplug a computer, you might lose all of your 'files'!

12:08 PM, August 23, 2007  
Anonymous metalmom said...

@ Webmiztris-YOU DON'T???

My inner bitch would have told her to come over and put the fridge back on the list. Then when she showed up I would have told her I GAVE IT AWAY FOR FREE because she made your brain explode!!

1:30 PM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Glad it worked!

6:38 PM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger annie said...

Holy shit!
If that thing breaks down in the next 16 years, you can bet that crazy lady will be calling and blaming you.

Oh, and besides PLUGGING it IN, it takes a fridge up to 24 hours to regulate its temperature after a move. That's all I know. Cuz I've moved a lot.

10:39 AM, August 24, 2007  

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