Three fists, One Hole, Six People

Friday, September 01, 2006

Well my routine Pelvic Exam to evict my Cervical roomate wasn't so routine after all. I left home at 1030Am, My appointment was 15 minutes away at 120PM. I got into see Dr.P at 1130am, and got home at 3pm. Long appointment huh?

A normal pap takes almost three minutes and that includes undressing and wrapping in the haute couture paper gown! I scored a cloth sheet to drape my girly parts.

Dr. P warmed up his "tool" ~ honest to God he called it his tool. .... "I'll just warm my tool up before I use it on you, no one likes a cold one".. ~ And prepared to dive. After a few miutes looking around with his fist, he pulled out and said. "Well thats not good. I think I'd like to call in Dr.S from upstairs." So in comes Dr.S,Yay! Another fist. "hmmm, Lets call in Dr.G to take a look see". Oh freaking joy. Dr. G looks around with his fists AND a light thingy attatched to the wall. So now we have me, two nurses, and three doctors all gathered around my open knees drawing diagrams and discusing doctorish things.

Why do they allow men with big hands to become OB/GYN's? Its just NOT right I tell ya.

They decide that they don't want to cut out the lump, which has a bumpy "cauliflower'd" apperance, untill they know what they are dealing with, and decide to do a biopsy. That was pretty simple and painless, and its nice to know that Im not a bleeder. Like I care. Then I got to sit in the doctors office with my People magazine ~ Jennifer Aniston is NOT engaged Y'all~ for hours and hours. Ok, it wasnt that long. I got to go In. My. Sheet. up two floors to have an ultrasound done on my tubes. It took about an hour and a half, all in all, for the lab to fax the results back to the doc's.

Good news. They don't know what it is but it isn't cancer. Which I told them before I got undressed. See how smart I am? I've done this before you know. The two nurses and I joked about selling the vagina diagrams on Ebay. Yes. Two. When there is a naked chick and men with fists, you have to have someone to vidio tape, after-all. The only reason there were ONLY two nurses, is that it was already wall-to-wall vagina gazing, Standing room only people, this is one popular watering hole.

Three stitches. Not too sore. A little stiff in the lower tummy, but I still feel kinda.... exposed. I worried all week about the fact that now when I take the kids in to see Dr.P, he'd have seen my parts, and instead of JUST him, there was a freaking mob.

If you see a few sloppily drawn vaginas on ebay, bid on them will ya? For me.

*If you want to see the neat-o prize I won, Click *Here*


Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow looks like you had an interesting day! very glad it is not cancer! sorry i missed your phone call today i was working!

12:24 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

lol mee too, but I had no doubts about it, I tols the docs it was nothing , snip it and let me go home for lunch but they wanted toparty, so we did. dont worry bout the call, I wanted to know how your teeth felt!

1:26 AM, September 02, 2006  
Anonymous Nohe 5 said...

Glad it's not cancer. That's kind of how I felt during childbirth. At least they didn't bring over the mirror so you could see too.

2:14 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger MIA said...

Why do those guys have big hands? Is it because they secretly hate women and are trying to get back at us? If he was hot and said let me warm up my tool, well maybe, but eewww.
As you knew all along, just a little caulifower. Maybe next time you can get a mani and pedi instead. great story and news!

5:13 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger Blogarita said...

I'm glad it wasn't cancer, but WTH was cauliflower doing in your vajayjay?

8:09 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger Fantastagirl said...

Whenever they say - let's bring in... and then 3 more people enter the room you know you are going to be there for a long, long time!

10:13 AM, September 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow sounds like alot of fun! Wish I would have been there, NOT!. I have to go for my routine pap as well. Not looking forward to it either. But my Dr. uses a sterilzed plastic "tool" instead of the metal one. At least it's not cold!!! Thank heaven it's not cancer...

10:16 AM, September 02, 2006  

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