Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm too tired to post. We spent the day at my dads... more about that later... here is a joke:

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It 's
breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just . just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... --priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs


Blogger Keith said...

Hahahahahaha !!!!!!...

Yep, "Priceless"...

12:24 AM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

LOL. You are NOT right!

5:48 AM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Jerri Ann said...

DearLord, I just spit coke all over the place, how hysterical!

7:40 AM, September 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Email from God

About two weeks ago, God was looking down at Earth
and saw all of the repulsive behavior that was going
on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel
to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5%
who were being good because he wanted to encourage
them...give them a little something to help them keep

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either

just thought that since you posted a good joke i would give you another one for your blog


10:47 AM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Catch said...

Oh always come up with something funny!!!! LMAO

4:47 PM, September 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH MY WORD!!! That was soo funny!!!!!

7:33 AM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger Bluepaintred said...

Keith I was very amused and thankful for an empty bladder the first time I read that

Mr. Fab Yes I am, and I am totally typing without looking at the keyboard

Jerri annOOOPS sorry ! Want me to come help clean up?

Kiss You rock my socks

Catch dont thank me thank the miricles of email!

Flip flop momma I can almost picture it, if I squint just so

9:21 PM, September 07, 2006  

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